you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
