does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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