If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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