Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
