I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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