I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
