I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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