I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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