Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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