I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
