ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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