He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize