wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize