so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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