This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
