You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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