dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
