My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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