Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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