mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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