you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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