If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
