I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
