Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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