she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize