I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
