Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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