I faked an abortion last night.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you didnt know i had herpes?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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