Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
