I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Randomize
