shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
