Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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