idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
