I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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