Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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