my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
bring money and cleavage
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
