Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
