What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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