it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
