insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
