I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize