Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
only if we run a train.
done.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
