Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
