u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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