Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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