That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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