My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
