I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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