bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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