8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
