the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
