when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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