We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize