It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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