I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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