remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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