So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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