i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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