and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
