There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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