Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Barsexuality is the new black.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize