I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
