I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
