I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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