Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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