took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
